He told me his wife got mean and did vengeful things, like spewing bitter and resentful posts on FB, giving voice to her disdain and hatred of men who cheated on their wives, letting their friends know he was one of them.

He told me he wanted to be kind. So, he told me, he had decided to simply not respond. He said when she attacked he would just not engage. He’d stay silent. He refused to communicate with her until she calmed down and could be civil. He said it was working.

I wondered.

As he spoke I couldn’t help feeling a growing tension in my belly. I felt as if a chasm was opening between him and me. I felt myself being pushed backwards by some invisible force, increasing my distance from him. It didn’t feel good.

I wondered if this might be how his wife felt.

I understand my client’s reasons for choosing to not engage. It made sense that he didn’t want a screaming match with her. He didn’t want to fight. He didn’t want to release his anger on her. He didn’t want to hurt her any more. He thought he was being caring by not saying anything at all.

Not saying anything at all is not caring. It’s not kind. It’s not compassionate.

It is a totally understandable tactic to avoid conflict in the moment, and there are times when it is wise in the short term. However, it is not the kindest or most caring thing to do, in the long run.

Why? Walking away or ignoring a person’s feelings is not going to make them feel seen and heard, understood and appreciated. It is not going to help them feel felt. It is not going to calm them down and help them move through their feelings.

I think a kinder and more caring approach is to say something like this:

“Mary, when you post bitter and resentful posts on FB letting all our friends know I cheated on you it makes me angry and upset. It hurts. I imagine you’re doing this because you feel hurt and angry and upset. Right? And, it makes sense to me that you feel that way. I did cheat on you. I am sorry I hurt you so deeply. I want to acknowledge that I see you are hurting and I understand why.”

This is responding to the situation, not reacting to it. There’s a big difference.

That wouldn’t be the end of the conversation. It would be a first step….one that would potentially help her feel felt by him. This is a vital first step because feeling felt calms our brains. As long as a person is emotionally charged they are not operating from the parts of their brain that can effectively self-regulate, problem solve and move them into the future that they want.

This first step has to happen before moving into needs clarification, boundary setting and agreements.

It’s not necessarily easy to do this in challenging conversations, but you can certainly learn.