Yet another high school shooting….and again the question: ‘what is wrong with those kids!?’
I think the answer is complex and multi-factored. From nutritional deficiencies, surging hormones, lack of exercise, the influence of social media and our personality driven society in which self-esteem is linked to fame …or notoriety… these are just some of the factors contributing to the stress, anxiety, anger, self-loathing and homicidal or suicidal urges that seem so prevalent today.
But, there is another factor: the decline of conversation. Real conversation. Catalytic Conversation – in which the speakers feel seen and heard, understood and genuinely appreciated. People NEED to feel FELT …and valued for being just who they are.
When a person has this experience – feeling authentically seen and heard, understood and appreciated – neurons in the PREFRONTAL CORTEX are stimulated to grow.
Why this matters so very, very much: this is the part of the brain responsible for emotional-regulation, empathy, compassion and morals. It’s the part of the brain that makes us most human.
According to research in the field of interpersonal neurobiology RELATIONSHIPS are the vital ingredient in growing this part of the brain.
Not just any relationships, but relationships in which people feel safe and valued.
We get these feelings when someone cares about us enough to give us their whole-hearted attention.
Think of how it feels to you when you experience someone really listening to what you have to say, being curious about how you are feeling, and appreciating you for simply being you.
How long has it been since you’ve felt that?
How long has it been since you’ve been that listener for someone else?
There is a soul-destroying void of this kind of listening in our society.
In my work, I listen to people talking at and over each other, interrupting, ping-ponging off each other, unable to shut up or withhold whatever thoughts have just swooshed through their minds, displaying little curiosity about the interior world of the other, and incapable of being present with whatever emotions may arise in the interaction …….I hear the anger and frustration, blaming and shaming that goes on between loved ones as they struggle to feel understood. I feel the rage and the hopelessness and the heartbreak of loneliness that accompanies the deep longing to feel connected.
The good news is that this can be remedied!
Learning to listen and communicate in a way that helps your partner (child, parent, employee, customer, boss etc) feel seen and heard, understood and appreciated is absolutely possible. It is a learnable skill. Grab your copy of “REVERT – a communication practice to bring out the best in others” when it’s available.