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Session 1
Please skip the first minute or so of the recording.
Handout:
Catalytic Conversations
Module 2
Boundaries
Over the next weeks we’ll explore :
- What boundaries are
- Three types of boundaries
- Three types of relationships
- Why boundaries are so important:
- how do you know when they’ve been crossed
- what happens if we don’t set them
- what happens when we do set them
- How to know what your boundaries are
- What gets in the way of setting them
- Collapse the fears
- Collapse guilt
- Collapse shame
- What to say when setting them
- What not to say and do when setting boundaries
- How to stand firm when someone challenges your boundaries
We will also be talking about Apologies
- When to apologize
- What to apologize for and what not to
- How to apologize
- How and why to accept and apology
People who are good at setting boundaries know themselves and they realize that saying no is really an opportunity.
What are you current thoughts and feelings about boundaries? (discuss)
Definitions of Boundaries:
What’s OK for me and what’s not
Boundaries are limits each partner sets to feel safe, respected and valued in the relationship. When you establish your boundaries, and are respectful of your partner’s boundaries, you can both feel safe and secure and will more likely experience love toward each other.
Boundaries are guidelines that define how you’d like to be treated by others.
Why they matter – list benefits of:
Setting a boundary around personal time.
Setting a boundary around public and private.
Setting a boundary about how you communicate
Setting a boundary about your arguments
Setting a boundary around sexual intimacy.
Setting a boundary around support (versus responsibility).
Any other benefits of boundaries
3 types of Boundaries
- Too rigid
- Too loose
- Just right
3 types of relationships
- Careless
- Careful
- Caring
Home work:
We generally know when a boundary has been crossed when we have an emotional reaction – anger, resentment or frustration. We also generally whine when we’re not setting a firm boundary. Pay attention to this thought the week. When you know a boundary has been crossed take a few minutes to write about it:
What happened, what you experienced, what did you NOT want to be experiencing …
Turn this around into: what you WANTED instead. This will give you insight into what your boundary is. Remember: a boundary is what works for you, what is ok with you, what makes you feel good …loved, respected, SAFE.
Session 2: Rights and Collapsing Guilt
Homework discussion:
What happened to let you know your boundaries had been crossed?
What did you learn about your boundaries?
Boundaries are related to what you believe your Rights are. Some examples:
- I have a right to say no without feeling guilty.
- I have a right to be treated with respect.
- I have a right to make my needs as important as others.
- I have a right to be accepting of my mistakes and failures.
- I have a right not to meet others’ unreasonable expectations of me.
My Rights:
| I have a right to: | |
| Spiritual | |
| Familial | |
| Social | |
| Physical | |
| Financial | |
| Vocational | |
| Mental/
Emotional |
Collapsing Guilt
Think of a time in which you did something that you feel guilty about:
What, when, where:
What you think you should have done instead:
Benefits of doing what you did:
Drawbacks of doing what you think you should have done:
Guilt is the perception that you have caused more pain than pleasure, more loss than gain, more negative than positive to someone else, through your actions.
Dr John Demartini
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Session #3
Session 3
Homework discussion: Your rights and Collapsing guilt …..
Definitions:
Guilt – the perception that you have caused more pain than pleasure, more loss than gain, more negative than positive to someone else through your actions.
The antidote to guilt: acknowledge and list all the benefits, positives, gains to them.
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Then the discussion took a different turn: we dove into Collapsing Shame –
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Session 4
Collapsing Blame and Resentment
Blame and Resentment arise when we believe that someone is causing us more pain than pleasure; more loss than gain; more negative than positive. Ie Blame and resentment arise when we perceive our values to be more challenged than supported by the other person.
The antidote to blame and resentment: acknowledge and list all the benefits, positives, gains to you of their actions or inactions.
Look at all the consequences to their actions and link them, like a chain-reaction, to the things that are important (high value) to you.
It is not what happens to you that matters; the story you tell yourself about what happened to you is what matters.
There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so – William Shakespeare
Forgiveness – Thank you for giving me this experience
Three steps to getting to authentic love and forgiveness:
- Encounter / become aware of an emotional charge
- Functional Analysis – how did this serve me?
- Gratitude – thank you for giving me this experience
Why forgiveness matters when talking about boundaries and communication:
Boundaries require us to speak up for what feels right and meaningful to us. This sometimes means challenging other peoples’ values. They will push back. We need certainty that:
- We have a right to have the boundary
- We are benefitting the other person as well as ourselves by setting the boundary
To stand firm in the face of the other person’s apparent pain and upset, is not always easy. However, it is made easier if we recall how the challenges in our past have benefitted us. Our unresolved perceptions of pain from our past can make it harder for us to set the boundaries we fear may hurt others.
Exercise:
Think of a time when someone challenged you ie enforced their own boundaries. Be specific.
How did this serve you?
Out beyond beliefs of right-doing and wrongdoing there is a field. I’ll meet you there – Rumi
Session 5
How to speak up for your boundaries
There are many ways to say “no” …….. (handout below)
- Identify the symptoms of your boundaries currently being crossed or ignored.
- Identify the belief which allow you to no up-hold your boundaries
- Collapse the belief – identify it’s anti-belief
- Clearly communicate your boundary.
- State and up-hold the consequences
Examples:
If someone is angry – “You may not continue to yell at me. If you do, I will leave the room and end this meeting.”
Buy Time – “I have a policy of not making snap decisions. I need time to think and reflect on what I want to do. If you need an immediate answer it will be no.”
Criticism – “It’s not okay with me for you to make comments about my weight. Please stop. If you don’t I won’t be able to continue this conversation.”
Extra Commitments – “Although this is an important issue to me, I must decline your request for my help at this time.” Or “I need to honor my family’s needs.”
Money – “I won’t be lending you any more money. I care about you and you need to start taking responsibility for yourself.”
It is not enough to set boundaries. It is necessary to be willing to do whatever it takes to enforce them. Enforcing boundaries means following through with consequences.
Guidelines for Setting Consequences
- Set forth clearly and unemotionally.
- Actions you are willing to take.
- May allow for gradual change.
- May be negotiable rather than rigid lines in the sand.
Examples of Stating Clear Consequences
- “If you break plans with me by not showing up or calling me, I will call you on your behaviors and let you know how I feel.”
- “If you continue (offensive behavior) I will leave the room/house/ ask you to leave.”
3. “If you continue to repeat the behavior I will consider all of my options including leaving the
relationship.”
4. “If you continue to ignore my solutions or suggestions, I will assume that you are not interested in
receiving help from me and I will stop working on your case.”
If you are not ready to end a relationship or conversation don’t say you are until you really are. If people are unwilling to respect your boundaries, they are not true friends or people you want to spend time with. Setting personal boundaries and limits can be very important in how you lead your life and the quality of the relationships you have.
When you do/say ……………………I feel ……………………….. For this to work / for us to continue this conversation/ for me to be willing to give you what you want ……..
I need ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
Can you do that?
Boundary being crossed Action I’ll take
*49 Ways To Say No To Anyone (When You Don’t Want To Be A Jerk)
- Use the word.
Not, ‘Not at this time’, not ‘I don’t think so’, not ‘I’m not sure’, not ‘Maybe next time’. The word NO is a powerful thing. Use it if you are absolutely, unequivocally sure that there is no other answer. And don’t apologise for saying it. If need be, practice saying the word until it loses its power over you.
- Or a firm (but polite) alternative.
- I appreciate your time, but no thank you.
- Thanks for thinking of me, but I have too much on my plate right now.
- No thanks!
- Not today, thanks.
- Not for me, thanks.
- I’m afraid I can’t.
- I’m not really into [heavy metal/decoupage/Pokemon Go], but thanks for asking!
- I’d rather not, thanks.
- I think I’ll pass.
- Don’t Costanza it.
This goes for family, friends, or even your boss. You don’t have to have an elaborately fabricated ruse – just say you don’t want to. If you don’t want to go to an event because you’ve had a rough week and you’d rather sit in bed watching Netflix – then say so. Don’t invent an ailing grandmother because you think it makes your excuse more palatable.
- Don’t go on and on.
In some cases, it’s best not to elaborate. If you justify your ‘no’ too much, it can seem like you’re lying – or worse still, it can allow the asker to find a workaround to try and make you say yes.
- Don’t be afraid to say it twice.
Sometimes people don’t respect boundaries, or are used to people caving if they ask again. Just because someone is persistent, doesn’t mean you have to give in. Smile politely, and say no a second time, just more firmly than the first.
- If need be, use ‘because’.
Research has shown that using the word ‘because’ makes people agree with you (even if the reason you give them is absolute rubbish). So instead of just saying, ‘Unfortunately I won’t be able to help you plan our team building event’, try adding a reason (however trivial) to help your refusal go down more easily.
- Just smile and shake your head.
You can do this as you walk away, too. This works especially well for people giving out flyers or trying to guilt you into signing up for something.
- Be assertive.
It helps to imagine that you are the person in control of the situation (mind over matter – it’s a powerful thang.) Make eye contact and speak clearly. Don’t mumble your no, mmmkay? This is extremely helpful if you feel that you are being taken advantage of.
- Don’t take freebies.
We’re hardwired to want to reciprocate when someone gives us something. So if you take that cheese sample at the supermarket and the nice lady starts convincing you to buy it, you’re far more likely to say yes than if you hadn’t accepted the sample in the first place.
- If all your friends were jumping off a cliff, would you?
It’s easy to fall into the trap of saying yes because other people are saying yes. Don’t do it.
- Remind yourself of the opportunity cost.
What will you lose by giving in? Time? Money? Health? Nothing comes for free.
- Read up on the tricks used by con artists.
It makes you realise how easily even the smartest among us can get fooled into saying yes. Don’t be conned.
- Trust your gut.
Your intuition will seldom lead you astray. If it doesn’t ‘feel’ right, listen to your instincts – and say no.
- Provide an alternative.
This can be particularly useful in a work setting, when you don’t want to be seen as the person who says no all the time. If you’re too busy to take on a task that you might want to do in the future, you can say something along the lines of, ‘I won’t be able to help you with the Field account this time around, but I’m happy to take a look next month when my schedule is less hectic’.
- Pass that buck.
If you want to say no to something that you know someone else might want to say yes to, feel free to pass on that information. ‘I’m afraid that I won’t have time to contribute to the bake sale this year, but I know Amanda loves baking – perhaps you could ask her?’ is a good example. Resist the temptation to use this as an excuse to throw people you don’t like under the bus, or you will (rightly) be perceived as a jerk.
- Negotiate.
If you’re willing to meet halfway, this is the time to negotiate. It’ll allow you to accommodate the request without saying an outright no. This can include reducing the size of the task, asking for a longer deadline or sharing the load with another person.
- Don’t delay.
There’s no point in making someone wait for an answer if you know that your answer will be no. Procrastination is a terrible thing – don’t say ‘I’ll think about it’ if you won’t.
- Go ahead and change your mind.
Just because you said yes once doesn’t mean that you’re stuck saying yes until the end of time.
- Say it often.
The more you practice, the less terrifying it will become. Start saying no to anything that doesn’t add value to your life.
- What a shame.
While saying ‘Sorry, I can’t’ will certainly soften your message and make it more polite, it will also dilute it. Here’s another way to say the same thing ‘It’s a shame – I’d love to help but I’m already committed to [X thing]. Best of luck!’
- The disease to please.
Often we’ll say yes to things that really aren’t a priority because you don’t want people to think you’re a jerk. Guess what? Some people will think you’re a jerk anyway, no matter how nice you really are. So stop worrying about what people think, and just say no already.
- Crystal ball it.
When you get good at saying no, you can probably start pre-emptively saying no to asks before they come. Think that your aunt is going to invite you to her Tupperware party? Tell her that you’re broke.
- Avoid serial askers.
If you know someone who is always asking for favours, without doing much for you in return, try to avoid them, particularly at times when you know they will be in an asking mood.
- A white lie never hurt anyone.
Normally I’m a huge advocate of the truth, but in some cases, you might need to get a little creative with your no. For example, if you know that your grandmother is going to try and push her Anzac biscuits on you when you visit, feel free to tell her that the doctor has told you to avoid sugar for a while if you don’t want to hurt her feelings. If your grandmother’s a tough cookie (pardon the pun) feel free to use #2.
- Not now.
You should only exercise this one if you know for sure that you’ll actually consider something later (otherwise, see #17). Let’s say that you’d love to help walk your neighbour’s dog once a week, but not the week before you’re leaving for a 2-month trip to Guatemala. Simple – ask your neighbour to check with you again when you’re back. And when you’re at work, unless it’s urgent, don’t drop everything to attend to the newest task on your list – just say, ‘Sure thing, I’ll get onto that as soon as I’m finished with this project.’
- It’s not you, it’s me.
Feel free to use this classic rejection line if you feel that the product/idea/person/occasion is right for someone, but that someone isn’t you. It’s perfectly acceptable to say that something isn’t the right fit for you.
- It’s not me, it’s you.
Turn the above axiom on its head, and don’t be afraid to tell people when it’s a hard no, aka ‘Maybe…when pigs fly’. So if you’re a vegetarian, don’t let your great-aunt make you try ‘just a little bite’ of her beef casserole – tell her, ‘No thanks, Aunt Maggie – you know I’m a vegetarian so I will never try it.’ Feel free to draw a line in the sand where you need to. Another example is, ‘As a rule, I don’t donate money to political parties’. If you stick to your guns, people will learn to respect your boundaries.
- Empathize.
Sometimes validation is all the other person needs. Saying something like, ‘I know that sucks – but I can’t, I’m sorry.’
- You don’t always have to be nice.
Need permission to say no just because you don’t want to? Permission granted.
- Air your discomfort.
If a friend asks to borrow money, feel free to say something like ‘I’m not comfortable with lending money to people, sorry.’
- I wish I could.
In some cases, you might have to be a little softer in your approach. Imagine the nicest parking inspector in the world. Even though you tell her that you’re only a few minutes late, what’s she gonna say? Probably something along the lines of ‘I wish I could, but I’ve already written the ticket’. Adopt a similar approach. Here’s another example: ‘I wish I could help with your project, but I’m swamped this week’.
- Thanks but no thanks.
Sometimes this is literally all you’ll have to say. Or you can add #31 to the mix if you want to soften the blow. This is what to say if you want to say that you’re grateful to be asked, but x isn’t your thing.
- Use body language.
Shaking your head, raising your eyebrows – even rolling your eyes can work in the right setting. Regardless, use powerful body language to show that you mean business, even as you decline something graciously.
- Buy some time.
I would leave this as a very last resort, because you do run the risk of being barraged later. You’re only postponing the inevitable, but if it helps, you can say ‘Let me think about it’ or ‘I’ll check my calendar…let me get back to you.’
- I’m flattered, but no thank you.
Sometimes you might need to acknowledge that it’s a big deal that a person asked you to do something. This could be useful if someone asks you to model for them, or offers you a promotion that you don’t want.
- I really shouldn’t…
Save this for the times when you want to say yes, but really think you should say no (possibly to be polite). So when your colleague (whose boyfriend happens to be a pastry chef) offers you some of her birthday cake, use this. It’s like magic…say it and the other person is likely to say, ‘Oh, go on! Just have it!’
- Hell no.
This needs to be used sparingly, and probably only with friends. So if you sleep with a Hello Kitty night light on, and a friend-of-a-friend is invites you to a screening of The Horror III, saying ‘Oh heeeeeell no! I’ll never sleep again!’ is a safe bet.
- I said no.
This works for children and pesky, charming salespeople. Again, the key is to be friendly but firm.
- It’s not the best.
This is a gentle way of saying no, and can be really useful when someone asks you something akin to ‘Does this shade of neon orange suit me?’ Instead of being a jerk and using a blunt #37, try saying ‘It’s not the best colour on you – let’s look at this navy blazer instead!’
- Ummm, no (possibly accompanied with a laugh).
So this is the only one that can (kind of) make you sound like a jerk, so use it wisely. I would save this for moments when someone asks you to work for free, or insults you in some other way.
- I know this isn’t the answer you were hoping for.
Acknowledging another person’s feelings is important, but certainly makes this a ‘no’ on the softer end of the spectrum. So if someone is expecting you to do something but you aren’t going to do it, say no, followed by the above gem.
- Last time was great.
Sometimes you’re gonna have to say no when you’ve said yes before – and this can be tricky. The best way to get around this (even if you need to harness the power of #24) is to affirm that while you might have enjoyed it the last time, you may not this time around. ‘While I loved the opportunity to present to the CEO, you know that public speaking isn’t really my forte, so I won’t do it this quarter.’
- Let me know if you want me to reshuffle priorities.
If your boss hands you yet another project that you don’t have time for, and won’t take no for an answer, ask what you can let go of. ‘That sounds really interesting, and I’d be happy to do it – but that means I won’t be able to submit the report by Friday. So let me know what you want me to prioritise.’
- I’m good/I’m happy/I’m all set.
This is good for cold callers – ‘Thanks but I’m good with my current mobile plan. Please remove me from your call list. Cheers!’ is good enough.
- How lovely of you.
If your well-meaning sister-in-law wants to throw you a 30th birthday party, but you’d rather just have a casual lunch with your friends and family, appreciate the gesture while refusing it. ‘Janet, that’s so lovely of you! But I’ve already planned to have a beach day and a picnic – I’ll be sending out invites next week.’
- Reduce your availability.
Depending on what you do for a living (e.g. if you’re a doctor/plumber/lawyer/mechanic/accountant), any of these can be useful: don’t put your mobile phone number on your business card. Don’t give out your number to anyone except close friends and family. Encourage people to text you rather than leaving you voicemail messages. Reduce the number of Facebook ‘friends’ you have.
- Unfortunately.
This is good for a business setting. Had a request to recommend an intern who you think should still work at Baker’s Delight instead of a law firm? I’ve got your back: ‘Hey Ellen, thanks for thinking of me! Unfortunately I don’t think I’m the best person to write your recommendation because I haven’t spent enough time seeing you write briefs, which seems like an integral part of this role. Good luck in your job search!’
- It’s not possible.
Possible and impossible are magical words. If you say, ‘That’s just not possible’ with conviction, you probably won’t need to say anything else.
- It’s an honour.
If someone asks you to do something major – I’m talking about something akin to becoming their child’s godparent or ‘saying a few words’ at their wedding – just saying no will make you sound like an absolute jerk, so you have to tread lightly. Here’s a good exit strategy: ‘Charlotte, that’s such an honour, and I feel privileged to have been asked. However, because [insert non-negotiable reason here, e.g. I’m so terrified of public speaking; I’ve been known to faint], I wouldn’t be able to give this important task/role the time and effort it deserves, and I don’t want to let you down. Would you consider asking Fatima instead?’
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Session 6
thank you for being part of this lovely group!
xo