Communicate to Connect and Grow – 4 Steps
(to download the PDF click here)
The greatest gift we can give another person is our attention. When we listen in a way that makes them feel seen and heard, understood and appreciated, something inside them begins to heal. Something inside them begins to feel worthy. Something inside them remembers who they authentically are.
Our skillful listening is that powerful …. and that important!
We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worthy of listening to, worthy of our trust and sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit.” e.e cummings
Hello! Thank you so much for being the kind of person who cares enough about others to want to be a great communicator. You are a gift in our noisy, emotionally charged and stress-out world. I mean that sincerely.
In my private practice I work with thoughtful men and women from all over the world who want to be the best leaders, parents, partners and influencers they can be.
They know the value of great relationships, at home and work, and they make the world a better place through their interactions with others.
The quality of our relationships depends on the quality of our conversations.
For success and happiness we need conversations that move us forward, that make us feel FELT, that make us feel appreciated for being just who we are. We require conversations that uplift us, empower us, and make us believe in ourselves. We thrive when we have conversations that bring out the best in us and make us whole.
These are what I call Catalytic Conversations™️
In a Catalytic Conversation™️ the listener catalyzes positive change in the other without losing any of themselves in the process.
This requires certain things of the listener:
- Knowing WHAT to say and WHEN to say it
- It also requires Emotional Maturity, the ability to self-regulate and stay present, and the willingness to put one’s (often well-meaning) ego aside for the benefit of the other. I’ll give you more on this in a video tutorial. I’ll send you a link when it’s available.
For now, what follows is an outline of the 4-step structure, with some suggested sentence starters.
I have found that although it sounds easy, it is not. (I know – I run multi-week programs in which I break down each step, explain what’s happening in the brain to make sense of why the sequence is soimportant, roleplay what to say and not say, and give participants exercises to work with). Like any skill, this can only be mastered with practice.
That said, I hope this is a helpful start.
XO
Jolina
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4 steps to a Catalytic Conversation
- REFLECT (just the facts ma’am)
What I’m hearing you say is … (use their words). Did I get that?
If I’m hearing you correctly you said …(use their words). Is that correct?
Let me make sure I’m following. You said …….(use their words). Right?
- EMPATHIZE (acknowledge the feelings. Do not skip this step)
How did that make you feel?
What was that like for you?
I imagine that felt (name emotion: eg scary, frustrating, infuriating) … Did it?
You must have felt (name emotion eg scary, frustrating, infuriating) Did you?
Or
I’m noticing that …. (describe your physical sensations– eg my heart is racing, my shoulders are tensing, I’m holding my breath …etc)and I’m feeling ….(name emotion– afraid, confused, overwhelmed etc)… ASK: Is this what you’re feeling to? (Or, what’s going on for you?)
- VALIDATE (show that you get it. Really. Sincerity is key)
It makes sense to me that you feel …(emotion) because …..
If that had happened to me I think I would also have felt …(emotion).
Looking at it from your perspective I understand why you felt ….(emotion).
- REDIRECT (in space and time)
What can you do to help yourself to feel different / ok / better ….in the future?
What actions can you take to make yourself feel (what they want to feel)?
What do you want or need from me or others?