Hi

Each week the recording will be uploaded here. I will also do my best to transcribe some of what we talked about. Handouts will be available here as well. The page is private so only you will have access to this material. Please honor confidentiality and don’t share the recording with anyone not in the group. That said, feel free to share your thoughts, feelings and insights with others 🙂

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Session 6

Part A of Recording

Part B

 

Video link 

Handout:

Recap and Boundaries

4 components of Catalytic Listening:

• Reflect
• Empathize
• Validate
• Redirect

The intention of this form of listening is to:

• help the other person feel seen and heard, understood and appreciated
• feel FELT
• feel empowered to find their own solutions to their challenges

The sequence of our listening feedback follows the path which information takes through the brain

• information comes in through the body and travels first to the brain-stem. This primitive part of the brain is only concerned with safety – should I fight, flee, freeze or feint?
• Info then travels to the limbic part of the brain (primarily the amygdala and hypothalamus, which are involved in emotion and memory)
• Next it travels to the cortex – the thinking, problem solving, language using part of the brain.

If we do not acknowledge – empathize with and validate – the speaker’s emotions and jump too quickly to problem solving or redirecting, the speaker may shut down, feeling ‘not felt’ by you.

The redirect is about asking questions that help the speaker find their own solutions to their challenge.

These steps can be used in all conversations (personal and business) but not all conversations require them (for example fact gathering convos do not need empathizing and validating).

Not all conversations require redirecting.

 

Through the course we have also talked about:

Values Systems

Three types of relationships

Two types of conflict

Self-regulation – the importance of and how to do it

Guilt and Shame

Setting Boundaries for yourself

Brenè Brown: Compassion and Empathy require you to be BIG

• Boundaries – state what is ok and not ok with you
• Integrity – be Caring with yourself
• Generosity – assume the best in the other person

“Living BIG is saying: Yes, I’m going to be generous in my assumptions and intentions while standing solidly in my integrity and being very clear about what’s acceptable and what’s not acceptable.”

What are the triggers (actions) that shut you down, or make you mad?

___________________________________________________________

What do you need or want from the speaker in order for you to be a better Listener?

___________________________________________________________

Why do you want these things? What values do you want to protect?

___________________________________________________________

 

How to set a boundary

William Ury: The Power of a Positive No

We have to say ‘No’ to all the things that don’t work for us in order to say ‘Yes’ to the things that really matter.

When you’re saying ‘No’ you are always saying Yes to something else. Get clear on what you’re saying Yes to. What is the higher Value that you are standing FOR, or prioritizing?

Format: Yes – No – Yes

1. Yes – what are you saying Yes to.
2. No – respectfully say No to what doesn’t work for you
3. Yes – offer an alternative, constructive solution

 

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Session 5

Part A of the recording

Part B

Transcript summary CC #5

Themes that emerged from the feedback:

 

1. Several people said they were still in ‘phase one’. This is harder than it seems.
2. Recognizing that this style of conversation can be used in personal and business relationships. Mike said he was looking forward to trying it in a meeting with an employee.
3. When the listener does not reflect you correctly you should be fair to them and repeat yourself. Repeat what you actually said, don’t say something completely different. That’s not fair to your listener.
4. Joan asked what the information last week on ‘making bids for connection’ had to do with validation. When we ‘turn towards’ someone, ie make a positively affirming sound or comment in response, this is an act of validation. The opposite of a ‘turning towards’ is ‘turning away’ or ‘turning against’. Ignoring or challenging what someone says when they make a bid for connection disconnects people.
5. Joan and Mike both said that the class had helped them recognize that when people were saying things they were actually asking for connection.
6. Through Joel’s share we recognized that we can show empathy and validation through our actions, not just through our words.
7. Barbara asked about how exactly to Validate. She described being very empathic and it’s easy for her to feel people’s feelings. She feels like she’s inserting her interpretations of their feelings, maybe telling them how they feel. She’s trying to figure out her boundaries: When is she telling people how they feel and overstepping their boundaries.

Barbara gave an example of her daughter. ….

• Let them say : ”no I’m not feeling that” …reflect them and let them be
• Use and name your own experience, then ask if they feel that to
• Eg ‘as we’re talking I’m getting the real feeling of wanting to leave and get out of here. Do you feel that to?”
• That’s different from: “I think you’re feeling like you want to get out of here. Am I right?”

8. Just an aside: all of us lie! We all lie if we think it’ll get us more of what is valuable to us. All of us will tell the truth when we believe it’ll move us in the direction of our high values.
9. Blame is the first survival mechanism we learn in order to deflect and reduce our experience of pain. We are pain averse creatures. Blame occurs when we don’t have a strategy for managing our emotional pain.
10. Jim wondered how much he’d missed in his relationship with his oldest because of his awareness of his son’s lying.
11. Slowing the conversation down with these techniques gives you lots of information. Sometimes it clarifies not only the other person’s position but also whether or not you want to keep engaging
12. With hearing more information from the other person Dawn said she noticed that she had not defaulted to questioning herself and taking on blame (asking herself ‘what did I do wrong?’ etc)
13. Lori talked about practicing the tools with her son, and then seeing it translate into his conversations with his sister. (I love that!) She felt that her being a better listener has really had an effect on the kids.
14. Lori reflected that it takes a lot of psychic energy to be a good listener, and allow the person to be a separate person, not always be looking for connections.
15. Michael acknowledged recognizing that he can use these tools in everyday conversations, not just at home. Practicing in uncharged situations would make it come more natural.
16. Larry acknowledged that having these tools when he had a lot of employees years ago he would have been regarded differently. He also talked about the importance of respect, giving the other person time to finish.
17. Amanda reflected that when we use these tools we get the privilege of hearing a person’s story unfolding and unfolding.
18. Amanda commented: if the speaker wants to be heard they have a responsibility to speak in bite sized pieces; post it note size comments. I couldn’t agree more. Christine validated this, especially with her kids, and at work.
19. If you the listener are getting overwhelmed you can ask the other person to slow down. Say: hold on a minute, I want to be sure I’m following. What I just heard you say was …reflect …..etc
20. Barbara recognized that there are certain conditions in which she finds it very difficult to listen.
21. Remember to use your body to self-soothe, ie regulate yourself, to calm down and keep your brain online.
22. At the end of the day we have to take care of ourselves. When we do what’s best for you it’s always best for the other person.
23. VIDEO: It’s not about the Nail

(3:40 minutes of chatting as people went to restroom)

 

Redirect

Redirecting’s intention is to give the speaker the experience of being responsible for figuring out their own solutions. When we redirect them in this way they experience themselves as capable, creative, self-sufficient people.

 

The mistakes we make include jumping in too fast with our ideas for solving their problems. When we do this we deny them the opportunity to feel capable of solving their own problems.

 

This is not to say we should never give advice. The invitation here is hold back for just a bit, in order to give them time to see if they can solve their own problem.

 

It is not about encouraging them to not feel what they’re feeling …eg don’t feel sad, just be positive.

 

We can use feelings as part of the redirect, but this must come after reflecting, empathizing and validating. Then we can ask: how would you like to feel instead? What can you do to help yourself feel that way?

 

You can use this for yourself if you are feeling stuck as to what to do in a difficult situation. Asking ‘what should I do’ is often about trying to come up with the right way to change another person eg ‘what should I do or say to get them to see my side?’ Or what should I do to make them like me?

 

It is a relatively powerless position to be coming from as most of us are not good enough salespeople to make someone ‘see it our way’.

 

More powerful is the question: how do I want to feel in this situation?

Once you clarify that, then you can ask: what can I do to help myself feel that way?

 

If you’re struggling to know what to do ask yourself ‘how do I want to feel’?

 

Here I tell the story of how I ‘got’ this concept. Starting at 7:50 minutes in the recording.

 

Some redirects:

What can you do to get or experience what you want?

How do you want to feel? What can you do to feel that way? What do you need to feel that way?

 

Dawn asked the question: is there a way to redirect and ask the other person to hear your side of the story (your perspective) without it feeling oppositional (my side vs your side). When she expressed what she might say she said: ‘could you see it from this perspective vs my side’. (I think this is fine).

 

Melinda shared a story of crying quietly, grieving the loss of her home, from which they moved a year again. Jim very kindly asked: “what can we do to make you feel good here”. Melinda said she immediately shut down (step 4). Melinda recognized the importance of the timing of the redirect. If you skip over the steps of empathizing and validating and jump straight to redirecting, it’ll fall flat. (yes it will!)

 

Jim acknowledged that this process doesn’t necessarily feel natural, and practicing on the uncharged stuff is probably a very good idea to make it feel more natural.

 

He also said he felt this redirect stuff is isolated to the charged stuff. There’s no need to redirect all conversations. Not every conversation is a problem to solve.

 

Barbara said she felt the redirect would be really helpful getting someone off the hamster wheel of problem after problem to solve.

 

In Barbara’s story about asking her daughter to do something that she said yes to but didn’t really want to do. ….. Michael also asked …how much validating do you do? When do you stop cos every time you validate they run another story.

 

You do your best, keep reflecting, until you feel it is no longer feeling good to you. Then you take care of yourself. Set a boundary for yourself.

 

None of us get it ‘right’ all the time. We will all get overloaded emotionally, flip our lids, slam doors etc ….It’s what we do afterward to come back together and do a do-over.

 

It’s about caring enough about ourselves to set boundaries for ourselves, and caring enough about the other person to have a caring conversation.

 

Barbara articulated that when someone is stuck in their story we don’t need to bang our heads against a wall to get them to have a conversation.

 

Dawn thought she heard Barbara validating herself, stepping over a boundary, and giving her daughter a graceful way out. Maybe daughter heard it as mom being about mom ….which gave her a reason to blame you (as a way of not dealing with her shame a guilt).

 

Think about redirecting this way: the speaker is on a raft trying to get to the island. Your job is to ask the questions that get the speaker thinking about how they can get themselves there.

 

How do you want to feel and what can you do to feel that way?

What could you do to help yourself have a different experience?

What do you need to believe to feel different or to move yourself in to a different experience?

What would you like from me?

If you say “what can we do to move you forward?” but be clear that this is not about you taking the lead. You’re still asking them to come up with ideas to help themselves. When they ask you to do something you have the right to say yes or no.

The talk turned to what can we do moving forward …. please think about what you might like

 

Handout

Redirect

In this step you are asking questions that can redirect the speaker from remembering the past to creating the future.

Intention 1: To encourage the speaker to take responsibility for what they want to experience in the future.

Intention 2: To empower them by giving them a chance to come up with their own action steps and experience themselves as capable, thinking, creative human beings.

ASK:

• What needs to happen for you to feel differently?
• How do you want to feel instead? ………
  • What can you do to help yourself feel that way?
  • What would you have to believe to feel that way?
• What have you done that worked in the past?
• What do you want me to do to help you?

Think of the speaker as a person on a raft, trying to get to the island. Your job as the listener is to facilitate their quest, not row them all the way there.

 

 

 

 

 

Mistakes we often make

We try to fix the problem for them. We offer solutions before they’ve had a chance to come up with their own. In this way we deny them the chance to become self-responsible and accountable, and to feel empowered. Brainstorming is fine. Taking over is not wise.

Video: It’s not about the nail

Session 4

Transcript:

Themes that emerged during the feedback:

• It’s difficult to be empathetic when you get defensive. It feels like hitting a wall, and brain function slides to the brain stem (fight or flight area of the brain)
• It feels good to see how people respond when you reflect what they say
• Sometimes reflecting does not work. When people are fired up and competing for airtime, it’s hard to get them to slow down and listen to each other.
• Several people described that they shut up and shut down when they feel they can’t get through and be heard.
• Sympathy and empathy are very different. Empathy is much more painful to participate in.
• Being an empathic listener is actually healing for the other person.
• This process of listening can be used for technical conversations, as well as in relationships
• Some tips from Brene Brown: make sure you have boundaries and an exit strategy when you go sit with someone who is in pain. Being empathetic requires good boundaries, otherwise you become enmeshed.
• Empathy replaces judgment
• When you’re looking for a place to empathize you can’t be judgmental
• Ask your partner: ‘what empathy statement can you use for me?’ This helps you and your partner!
• Empathy also replaces trying to fix it.
• Question: how do you protect yourself from getting involved in someone’s trauma, but be there in a way that gives them some sort of comfort?
• Reflecting back what you’re hearing (with an understanding tone) and then jumping straight to the redirect can be very effective (in this case the redirect was: what is it that you would like?)
• If we keep communicating in the same ways we’ve been communicating in, nothing will ever change. We must speak up when we feel we’re not being heard and try to use different tools (like what is being shared here)

 

It’s important to practice this tool, so that in times of stress, shock or feeling defensive, we have more integration in our brains.

Empathy IS challenging because it requires us to feel pain. In order to be good listeners we have to get comfortable with feeling pain. This is not easy. We’re hardwired (via the Pain-Pleasure Principle) to avoid pain (physical and emotional) and move towards what feels better.

Because of mirror neurons, we feel other people’s pain as if it’s our own. If we are not able to stay present with our own pain we can’t be present with anyone else’s. We will want to do things to take their pain away (hug them, soothe them, tell them to think positive etc).

What do you do when someone is in pain? You can’t fix it, and nor should you!

The greatest gift you can give someone is your willingness to simply be present with them, just be there, and say “I can’t imagine ….”

Do things to self-regulate …like putting your hand on your heart, breathing, name what you’re feeling ….

When you regulate yourself you have a regulating effect on the other

Pain is inevitable; suffering is not.

We suffer when we are unwilling to actually feel our own pain.

If we keep projecting it out and blaming others. People stuck in blaming are not willing or able to feel their own pain.

Pain is nothing more than a messenger. All emotions are just information. Get curious: what is this pain telling me?

The more we get curious the more we’ll see that emotions are giving us information on our beliefs and expectations about how life should be. Pain, that we might talk about as heart break, is really about having broken expectations.

 

Empathy replaces judgment. We are all judgmental. It will arise no matter what we do. But, when you are focused on the idea that you’re following a process, and you know that the next thing you’re supposed to do is Empathize, the judgment gets pushed aside. Often it just falls away.

 

When someone has experienced a trauma, retelling the story over and over, is a way of making sense of the experience and allowing the emotion to run through. Your listening and self-regulating presence can help them regulate.

 

This gives rise to the questions: how long do you let someone run their story over and over?

What do you do if you’re tired of listening to it?

 

If someone is telling a story over and over again can be because of Mirror Neuron Deficit – they are not getting enough of a feeling of being felt

 

It isn’t enough to stop at empathizing …we must validate ie tell the speaker why it makes sense to us that they feel whatever it is they’re feeling.

 

Ex Doug as a mortgage broker:

Me: how was your day?

Doug: well, Mr Smith chose not to work with me and I’m disappointed

Me: Oh, Mr Smith isn’t going to work with you ..and you’re disappointed. Uh huh

This is not enough. I must add the validation …. “I know how much work you’ve put in, of course you’re disappointed. I would be to.”

 

We’ll talk about REDIRECT next week.

 

If someone is on a hamster wheel – you must have and exit strategy to get yourself out of their download. Have a boundary for yourself. “I need to wrap up this conversation. I need to attend to other things. I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed and I can’t take in any more of your story at this time.’

 

You’re not saying: ‘you are wrong for feeling what you’re feeling’ or ‘you shouldn’t be so stuck in this story’ or ‘you should stop retelling this drama.’

 

You need to set a boundary FOR yourself, not AGAINST the other person.

 

When you set a boundary, you model for the other person what it looks like to be self-aware and self-honoring.

 

Why is validation so important?

(Go to handout below for Dr John Gottman’s study and the information on ‘bids’)

 

We don’t talk just because we like talking, but because we are making bids for connection.

 

When you feel you are not getting validated by your partner don’t be afraid to ask him or her to do so. Barbara asked Mike: ‘what’s your empathy statement going to be for what I just said?” (tone of voice is important, of course).

 

This is a way of helping your partner be a good partner to you (and it works both ways).

 

It is fine to ask your partner to repeat back to you what you’ve just said (it certainly helps if they’re familiar with this process) and give them a reason that is about you.

 

I will sometimes say to Doug: “would you mind repeating (or reflecting) back to me what you just heard …. I’m getting anxious cos I’m not sure that you’re hearing me.”

 

Doug and I have developed this practice: If I’ve made a bid for his attention (ie I’ve said something) and he’s ignored me, I will say (with a light hearted tone): “Gee, Jo, that’s really interesting.” This usually prompts him to respond to me. He does the same when he feels ignored by me.

 

(What can you and your partner agree to say to one another if your bid for attention has been ignored?)

 

What about silence? Is it bad? Name what’s going on for you and then ASK what the other person’s experience or intention is.

Eg I feel like I’m talking and talking and getting no response. What’s going on?

 

What if your partner makes bid after bid after bid, rapid fire, and you feel overwhelmed and can’t respond to every one? (eg on a hike) One thought would be to have a conversation before you start an experience about each of your expectations. The intention should be: how can we help each other have the best experience?

 

If you have very different desires, you may choose to alternate whose desires (aka values) are prioritized. Afterwards, you can have a discussion about each other’s experience.

 

 

How to do Validation

Effective validation has two main components:

• It identifies a specific emotion
• It offers justification for feeling that emotion

Tip: use their emotional words

Eg: my clients who were splitting up because he was wanting to date someone else.

She said: It really hurts to be rejected.

He reflected: what I hear you say is that you hate to be rejected

There is a totally different feel between ‘hurt’ and ‘hate’. Use their words not your own. Every emotional word is charged. We use the words that have meaning to us.

 

What to do if you really don’t agree with, and therefor can’t validate, someone’s feelings?

Eg racism, politics, a mother who blames you for something that you feel is not your fault

Roleplay:

Amanda (playing her mother): “Amanda, you blew it. It’s your fault that this relationship failed. You didn’t treat him like a man. You didn’t give enough. No wonder he wandered. Your father and I don’t blame him. He did nothing wrong.’

Me (playing Amanda, putting my hand on my heart and taking a deep breath): “wow mom, that’s pretty challenging to hear, but I really want to understand where you’re coming from. So what I just heard you say is that it’s my fault that this relationship failed, that I didn’t treat him like a man, I should have given more ….did I get that?”

Mom: Amanda, listen sometimes a woman needs to take care of her man ….

Me: So mom, I’m curious ….what is it that you think I should have done that I didn’t do enough of. What is it that you think I should have done that I didn’t do enough of? Help me understand why you’re so sure that it was my fault.”

Mom: you should have stroked his ego

Me: I should have stroked his ego. Ok. What else?

Mom: you need to take care of his needs

Me: I need to take care of his needs?

Mom: yeah, he really needs to feel like a man. You sometimes you have to give in and give

Me: Ok mom, so I’m hearing you …I need to give in and give…what else

Mom: don’t think so big of him sleeping around a bit …just move on

Me:  oh so I shouldn’t think so much about him sleeping around ….I should move on….. Ok …what else …

(Amanda …I’m out of momisms)

Me: Mom, I’m really hearing what you’re saying and I’m CURIOUS about what makes you say these things. Where is this coming from?  (please note, my tone is even and calm, not bitchy and accusatory)

Mom: well, your father and I made it 50 years…and, you know, I had to overlook some things

Me: oh I didn’t know that mom. You’ve had to overlook some things? You’ve been together 50 years and overlooking somethings is part of what’s kept you together?

Mom: exactly

Me: If I put myself in your shoes, knowing that you’ve had to overlook some things, you’ve had to stroke dad’s ego, and that’s what it took for you to stay together for 50 years …..now it makes sense to me …. what you’re saying to me…I get where you’re coming from …..

VALIDATING DOES NOT MEAN AGREEING

Barbara (role playing Amanda): Mom, it seems super important to you that I made a success of this relationship and I really want to know why it’s so important to you …..

Amanda as her mother: because I don’t want to see you lonely, I want you to have what your father and I have ……you’ve been on your own for 25 years ……. Another part is: did we do something wrong? You’re not even gay!

Barbara reflecting “mom”: Mom, I can see how much you love me and want me to be happy and me being in a long term relationship is really a way you see me as being happy. Is that right? Did I get that? And taken care of ….

Amanda: I think that is what mom is feeling, but not what she’s saying. I think you’re in tune with where mom is coming from …..

Barbara mentions Dr Barry Brazelton (?) and the need to ‘get to the passion’ behind a person’s actions. Mom’s got a lot of passion around this relationship and sees Amanda’s well-being connected to being in this relationship. Validate that.

In the language of Values Systems, I might say: identify the value that is driving the person’s behavior. In this case mom has a high value on relationships and on Amanda’s well-being, which she connects to being in this relationship.

I totally agree with Barb that we must validate a person’s values …..even if we don’t agree with them …..

Mom sees her own well-being coming from being in a relationship.

Amanda: I think mom’s ego is also tied into ….she’s been in a 50 yr rel, she’s not a grandmother ….she now isn’t able to brag about Amanda being out in Colorado doing cool and exciting things with “Fred”.

Dawn offers: it’s almost as if Amanda’s relationship is a reflection on her mother.

Great observation!

With everything we have a judgement on (which is everything) we’re all asking: is this thing going to bring me more pain or more pleasure? It is going to move me in the direction of what is meaningful to me (my high values) or away from them?

We’re all doing this all the time!

Underneath mom’s criticism of Amanda is fear …. Fear that this situation is going to move her away from what feels meaningful to her. Her criticism is a reflection of her ….It has nothing to do with Amanda.

With Validation we’re not agreeing with a person, but we are acknowledging that (1) they have an emotion and (2) if we put ourselves in their shoes/ look through the lens of their values, their emotion is understandable.

Question: when does Amanda (speaker) get to have her say and get her needs met?

This leads into the fourth component of a CC – the REDIRECT. We’ll be talking more about this next week.

In this case there are a couple of ways to redirect:

1: Mom, what do you need to feel OK about this? (you put the onus on her)

2: Mom, I’d like to share my side of the story. Are you willing to listen to it?

People who feel heard are more likely to open up and listen to you

Barbara asks: where’s the time for Amanda to simply say: “Mom, I need you to hear me, support me, just listen to me”?

You can say it at any time. If you’re feeling overloaded and need mom to shut up and listen, speak up for yourself. She may or may not be able to hear you, but you have every right to speak up for what you need in order to take care of yourself.

This is not about being a doormat and always being the one who lets everyone else emote and speak and get their needs met at the expense of your own.

It is really important to set boundaries for yourself.

We always set boundaries for ourselves, not against others.

To set a healthy boundary means you must know what you want and need for yourself, and then you speak up for that.

You say: “In order for me to take care of myself I need ……. (to take a time out, to be left alone, to end this conversation etc)” This is not about saying to the other person: “you need to change so I can feel ok”. This will inevitably lead to more conflict.

We’ll be talking more about boundaries in session 6

Dawn asked if Amanda has been able to reflect mom back to her. She wonders if, when mom hears herself reflected, she might actually hear what she’s saying and may say: “well that’s not what I meant.”

This is one of the reasons we reflect ……it’s to help them hear themselves …..

Amanda commented that it was helpful to hear phrasing like: “I’m curious ……” “If I put myself in your shoes, this is what you perceive …..”

This gives structure to help with validation

Other phrases: “Help me understand (where you’re coming from, your perspective etc….”

What do you do if you’re reeling from the hurt of a comment (for example)?

Name what’s going on for you and set boundaries.

What if You’re really disgusted or appalled by someone? Should you tell them?

1. If you’re going to engage in conversation know what your intention is. What is your ‘why’ for engaging? Choose your strategy accordingly.

Some words about conflict:

I’ve said in the past that most conflict is nothing more than a clash of values. There is a second type of conflict. The two feel very different.

If the conflict is about different values, you’ll have a somewhat cerebral reaction to it. You’ll hear yourself saying: “I don’t get it. It doesn’t make sense that he or she would do ……(fill in the blank). I don’t understand him or her actions. What were they thinking !

In the second type of conflict you have a much more guttural and emotional reaction. You’ll feel “ugh! I can’t stand that person! He or she is repulsive to me! I don’t even know what it is about them but I detest them!”

If you have this reaction to someone you have just come face to face with a part of yourself, a persona, that you have judgments on. You’ve just met a part of yourself that you have disowned.

To manage that conflict is a whole different process!

In these circumstances we have to do the work of owning those traits in ourselves, and figuring out how to appreciate them. We can only appreciate in others what we appreciate in ourselves.

The practice for the week: incorporate reflection, empathy and validation in your conversations 🙂

 

The handout:

Validation

1. Reflecting can in some ways be about clarifying ‘just the facts, ma’am’
2. Empathizing is tapping in to the emotion…acknowledging it and naming it
3. Validating is about showing that it makes sense to you that the speaker feels whatever they feel.

 

It’s not enough to just empathize without validating ….eg … “so you crashed your car and you’re really upset … uh huh”

We have to go a step further: “of course you’re upset ….it’s a big and scary thing to be in a car accident’ or “I’d be upset to!” or “it’s understandable that you’re upset. It sucks to have crashed your car.”

Why it’s so important

Psychologist John Gottman, has spent the past 4 decades studying couple to find out what makes relationships work.

He noticed that in every conversation people make ‘bids’ for connection.

For example, a husband would look out the window and say, “Wow, check out that car!” He wasn’t just commenting on the car, though; he was looking for his wife to respond with shared interest or appreciation.

The wife could then choose to respond positively (“Wow, that is nice!”), negatively (“Ugh, that’s hideous”), or passively (“Mmm, that’s nice, dear”). Gottman refers to positive and engaging responses as “turning toward” the bidder, and negative and passive responses as “turning away.” As it turned out, the way couples responded to these bids had a profound effect on their marital well-being.

Gottman found that couples who had divorced during the six-year follow-up period had “turn-toward bids” just 33 percent of the time—meaning only three in ten of their requests for connection were met with interest and compassion.

In contrast, couples who remained together after the six-year period had “turn-toward bids” 87 percent of the time. Nearly nine times out of ten, the healthy couples were meeting their partner’s emotional needs.

How to do it

Effective validation has two main components:

• It identifies a specific emotion
• It offers justification for feeling that emotion

Tip: use their emotional words

hold off on advice or cheering up

 

Other example of validating statements

• “Wow, that would be confusing.”
• “He really said that? I’d be angry too!”
• “Ah, that is so sad.”
• “You have every right to be proud; that was a major accomplishment!”
• “I’m so happy for you! You’ve worked incredibly hard on this. It must feel amazing.”

Notice again how each of these responses refers to a specific emotion and shows some justification for or acceptance of it. Including both elements of validation shows the other person that you not only hear them, you understand them.

What it’s not

“You’ll be fine.”

“It could be worse!”

“At least it’s not [fill in the blank].”

“Just put a smile on your face and tough it out.”

“Don’t worry; things will work out.”

“It’s not that big of a deal.”

What do you do if you don’t understand or agree with the other person’s feelings.

 Validating does not mean agreeing with their story or perspective.

It’s about saying: if I were on your shoes/ knowing only what you know/ looking through your eyes ….it make sense to me that you would feel that way.

It’s about saying you have a right to have feelings ….

What if you still can’t really validate them?

ASK more questions to help you see the situation from their side, get more details about what they think happened, get more information to help you make sense of why they are feeling what they’re feeling.

Validation gives the other person permission to feel what they’re feeling. It shows that you’re not judging them for reacting the way they are. You’re saying—in complete honesty—that it does make sense to react the way they have, given their perspective and experience.

How long should you validate them? Do you ever get to give your advice?

Next time: redirect

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Session 3

(I am still working on the written summary)

Handout:

Emotions and Empathy

Empathy is all about connecting with the feelings or emotions that the speaker is expressing

E-Motion = Energy in Motion

Emotions are messengers. They are the bridge between our outer and inner worlds. They give us information about our outside circumstances and our internal interpretation of them, and then they generate energy to make us move in the direction of our highest values. Our emotions exist to keep us moving. Why? Movement = life.

When we learn to decipher their messages we can use them to move ourselves in the direction of wisdom, love and fulfillment.

Values Systems: our highest Values are driven by our deepest Voids plus the Pain we associate with the void. When someone is emoting they are, at some level, expressing a void. Your listening, reflecting, empathizing presence can help them hear the void that is calling to be filled. You can help them identify something that is high value to them. (we don’t cry or get upset over things that are low value to us). Stay curious.

Empathy

“Empathy fuels connection; Sympathy drives separation ….Empathy is feeling with someone” Brenè Brown

Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw

4 characteristics of Empathy:

• Perspective taking – ability to take the perspective of another person, or recognize their perspective as their truth
• Staying out of judgement
• Recognizing emotion
• Being able to communicate that

 

“Rarely does a response make something better. What makes something better is connection.” Brenè Brown

Exercise: think of a time that was emotionally challenging ….Please be kind to your listener ….this is a practice exercise – probably not the place to lay bare your deepest darkest secret or wound ……

Each person gets 10 minutes to talk about this. The listen’s role is to:

• Hold space (tell me more; or what else do you think or feel about that?)
• Reflect – so what I heard you say is: …. Did I get that?
• Empathize – how did that make you feel?
  • Or: I can hear that was …(insert emotion …eg difficult, frustrating, upsetting, hard) for you
  • Or: I hear your …..(insert emotion ….eg anger, sadness, frustration, disappointment etc)

TIP: use their emotive words when reflecting and empathizing.

 

Homework: repeat the exercise with someone during the week.

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Session 2

Notes/  summary of recording

Feedback from last week’s exercise:

• Authenticity – listening works when the listener is authentically interested, as opposed to operating in a rote fashion
• Noticing how often we’re not really listening
• It’s about them – noticing how often we want to ask questions to steer their convo to topics that we’re interested in. It can be challenging to stop ourselves from steering them instead of letting them talk about or through whatever they want to talk about
• The tendency to want to immediately solve the other person’s problems – is it a male thing, a female thing, a maternal thing …..?
• Just listening vs psychoanalyzing: different objective – “I’m just here to facilitate your thought process by listening” (I love how Barbara expressed this)
• When someone tries to solve our problems it can create a feeling of shut down in the speaker, and this can make the listener feel rejected.
• The exercise made people more Mindful and conscious about listening, and tone of voice

The intention of last week’s exercise was to give you something to say that would invite the other person to keep talking. It was also to give you the opportunity to feel what it’s like to just be present with no objective other than to listen.

 

Three-part brain – what’s going on when we want to fix etc

Brain stem, Limbic system (amygdala, hippocampus, hypothalamus), cortex

Information comes in through our body, up the central spinal column, arrives in the brain stem. This part of the brain is only concerned with survival. It asks: is this thing safe?

Information then goes to the limbic system (primarily amygdala and hippocampus). Past memories of things that resembled what you are currently experiencing are recalled. An emotional response is generated. Then the info travels up to the cortex when thoughts about the thing are generated.

When we’re having a catalytic conversation with someone we need to address all three parts of the brain. The conversation starts with acknowledging ‘just the facts, ma’am’; then moves on to acknowledging the emotions; then moves into thinking. Many of us want to jump from ‘just the facts’ straight to thinking about a solution. WE want to avoid the feelings. Why? Many of us don’t want to feel emotions, particularly if they’re strong negative ones.

This is partly because of cultural conditioning that says ‘you should be more happy than sad, or there’s something wrong with you’; and partly because of our built-in Pain-Pleasure mechanism.

We have a physiologically driven aversion to pain. It keeps us alive. Without it we would not react to pain (like putting your hand in the fire) and would potentially die as a result.

The challenge: the brain does not know the difference between physical pain (burning) and emotional pain (being rejected). Same with pleasure. Pain and pleasure are communicated in the body via neuropeptides: substance P for pain (including adrenalin, cortisol etc); and the pleasure chemicals of dopamine, norepinephrine and oxytocin.

When you have a conversation with someone and they start to emote, because of our mirror neurons we start to feel what they feel. Our brain releases chemicals in response. We usually don’t mind the happy drugs too much, but the pain peptides …..not so much.

If we cannot stay present with our own emotions we sure as heck won’t be able to stay present with someone else’s.

Many of our attempts to ‘fix other people’s problems’ or move them as quickly as possible away from their distress, is really an attempt to move ourselves as quickly as possible away from feeling the effect of emotional distress in our own bodies.

A bit more on the nervous system.

Our Autonomic Nervous system has two sides: Sympathetic and Parasympathetic

The Sympathetic side is typically dominant or ‘on’ during the day when you’re up and about doing things. It is associated with Fight, Flight, Freeze and Feint responses to stimuli

The Parasympathetic side is typically on at night when you’re sleeping. It’s responsible for Rest and Digest functions.

When we are listening to someone who is emoting, especially about challenging feelings, and we feel ourselves becoming agitated, we can tend to go into fight (I disagree; you should see it my way) or flight (I need you to stop or I need to leave) mode, or we can go into freeze or feint mode (switch off or tune out).

Btw: We flight or flee when we believe we’re strong enough or fast enough to get away from stressor. We freeze or feint when we think there’s no way we can ‘win’ over the stressor. Our only survival recourse then becomes to ‘play possum’.

The solution:

-1 – breathe – equal in and out breaths calms our nervous systems and can keep us present

-2 – use your body – rock, put your hand on your heart, change positions ….make a movement with your body

-3 – name it tame it: name it to yourself, or name it out loud …”wow, as I’m listening to you I’m noticing anxiety coming up in me …..but keep going with your story …tell me more ….”

 

Guilt and shame

Guilt = the perception that you have caused more pain than pleasure, more loss than gain, more negative than positive, to someone else though your actions. In other words, guilt is the belief that you have DONE something bad.

Guilt can be relatively easily managed ….you can apologize or make amends for what you’ve done.

Shame = the perception that you ARE something bad.

Shame is the most painful emotion for us to feel, especially if we have no strategies to wisely move through it. The first strategy we learn as toddlers, is to project that pain outward and blame others.

Blame always covers shame.

Boredom – what’s going on

Values systems (handout below)

Essentially, every one of us has a unique Hierarchy of Values, aka priorities, in life. No two people have exactly the same Hierarchy of Values.

On the handout you’ll see 13 questions that you can ask to help clarify your actual Values System, and view them in terms of the 7 Areas of Life

If the person we’re conversing with is talking about something that happens to align with our Hierarchy of Values it will be easy for us to stay tuned in.

If they are talking about things that do not align with our high Values, we will tune out. This is what we experience as boredom …a misalignment of Values. This gives rise to our desire to want to steer what the other person is talking about instead of just letting them talk.

 

The 4-part conversation

Reflect – Empathize – Validate – Redirect

Last week’s intention: presence. Experience what it’s like to simply be present as the listener, saying noting more than: “tell me more” or “what else do you think or feel about that?”

 

EXERCISE: a practice in Reflecting

In pairs: each person is given 10 minutes to talk. I suggested the prompt of feeling exasperated about something.

The Listener’s task is to reflect what is being said and make sure they are actually hearing what the other person is saying.

Listener: say: “so what I’m hearing you say is ……repeat back what you think you heard.” Then ask: “did I get that?”

Notice what this experience is like for you.

The intention is to practice repeating what you’ve heard to be sure you’re actually hearing what is being said, vs hearing what you think is being said. There’s a difference.

We’ll discuss our experiences next week.

Last thoughts:

When to use this: when a person seems stuck or shut down, and when a person is flooded with emotion and spewing. Repeating what the person just said, with the question ‘did I get that?’ can spur more communication from a shut down or stuck person.

It can also slow down a person who is spewing.

Jim added that another trick to get someone to slow down and think about what they’re saying is to deliberately repeat the person incorrectly. Asking “did I get that?” then gets them to slow down and thoughtfully restate what they just said.

 

One intention of a catalytic conversation is to help the speaker hear themselves, which increases self-awareness ….and ultimately self-responsibility as well.

 

HANDOUT

Values Systems

Your values can be thought of as: the things and experiences that you value enough to consistently pursue. They are essentially your priorities in life.

There is a difference between your injected Values System (or hierarchy) and your authentic Value System. Your injected VS consists of all the things and experiences that you think you SHOULD value; your authentic VS consists of the things and experiences that you actually value …..as evidenced by your ACTIONS.

 

Dr Demartini’s13 questions that reveal your values are:

How do you fill your space?

How do you spend your time?

How do you spend your energy?

How do you spend your money?

• These first four questions form the acronym STEM (space time energy money) and are the most powerful indicators. The following can help you to refine your awareness.

Where are you most organized?

Where are you most reliable?

What dominates your thoughts?

What do you visualize most?

What do you most often talk to yourself about?

What do you most often talk to others about?

What inspires you?

What goals stand out in your life and have stood the test of time?

What do you love to learn or read about most?

 

7 Areas of Life

A useful tool for organizing and talking about your Values is the Wheel of Life. Here is a version that describes 7 areas.

As you observe how you consistently allocate your Space, Time, Energy and Money start to notice which areas of life get more and which get less. Ultimately you should get a clearer picture of your top three or four areas. After that you may find it’s unclear.

My hierarchy of Values is:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.